Warning: This post is a bit of a Dear Diary moment. So much so that I forewarn you. There will be no jokes, only a few film references and altogether far too much of me espousing such things as ‘feelings.’ Please feel free to walk away now, I won’t hold it against you……

Last night Joe, Heather and I took a trip to what I like to call the fifth circle of Hell, or as most people know it, Manchester, to go and see Nine Inch Nails. I hadn’t bought a ticket, but they paid for two and got sent three, so I saw an opportune moment to do some blagging. Except that when we got to the venue they were actually scanning the barcodes for each ticket, and they wouldn’t let me in. So, having spent my last money for the month, I was stuck on my own in my least favourite place on Earth.

Now in case any Mancunians are reading this, let me just say that there is no earthly reason or explanation for my feelings towards your fair city, I just get a sense of unease from the place. It’s indefinable, but it leads me to hate it. But anyway.

I do have friends in Manchester, but they all seemed to be utterly unreachable at my time in need, so I thought the best thing to do would be to return home. Except then I took a wrong turn and ended up getting utterly lost. Then I quite bizarrely bumped into an old friend from Sunderland who was selling the Big Issue, which made me at least realise that my night could be a lot worse. But he pointed me in the right direction of the station and so after over an hour of random wandering I made it on to a train to sit on my own for a few hours.

It is certainly true that I like to distract myself as often as possible, with film and books and television and booze and friends. Who doesn’t? But for these few hours I was alone with only my thoughts (and my MP3 player) and so I started to think about my life and what a colossal mess I’ve made of it. But I also realised that I only have myself and my inability, as Randall says in Clerks, to ’shit or get off the pot’ to blame. I really need to stop blaming my circumstances on my circumstances. Now not only does this February mark over two years of being single, but it also marks 2 years and 3 months since I sat down and did some serious writing for myself. And so I realised that nothing is going to change unless I actually change it. And so, as of today, I have to set myself a target for each day. I’ve started by resurrecting an old script idea that I’m starting again from scratch. My aim is to complete 5 pages a day from here on in. It might not last, but it’s been so long since I had impetus that I’m feeling strong, bold and mighty for it.

I have a lot of work to do to turn all my shit around. I need to be more responsible, I need to work harder, and I need to not let stupid stuff grind me down. Hopefully I can do it, because I can’t take much more of life being this way. But at least now I can see that it doesn’t have to be.

If you made it through that, well done! Wasn’t worth it, was it?